You Picked the Wrong Girl......Grrrrrrrr!!!!

As much as I hate to admit this, let's face it, we all have our weak moments. 

I'm sitting here thinking about this past week and the next few weeks to come.  I have been very busy lately and it has definitely been zapping some of my energy.  But I keep telling myself I need to keep going!!!  I have so much planned these next couple weeks and I can't stop now.  There are two things that are "big" that I am worrying about.  The biggest one is the one I want to talk about now.  It's like I described in an earlier post.  Sometimes, its like I feel this big storm cloud hovering over me, and other times its like I'm cramped in a small dark place and I'm wondering if I will be able to break out.  It's not every day, but it appears every so often and the closer it gets to that dreaded day I'm thinking about, the more I feel the weight of the storm and darkness.

Yes, I know I have said it before, there is no point wasting energy on something you can't control, but I have those weak moments, and I'm just scared.  My bone marrow biopsy will be occurring in a few weeks and I can't seem to stop thinking about it.  First of all, it hurts like hell.  The first time I had it done, I had no medicine at all.  I really wanted to die!!!  Truly, I did, just ask my mom and husband who were there to witness it.  I never felt such pain in my entire life.  Secondly, the last time I had it done was 6 months ago and I was sick for days afterwards.  I'm not sure if they messed up my medication but I felt like crap for days.  It really did a number on me.  So, not only am I worrying about the pain, discomfort and possible sickness, I worry about the outcome.  This is where my "relapse" haunts me the most. 

I really am trying not to worry constantly about it.  I keep trying to tell myself things are better and the outlook has been great and the doctors have been very pleased with how well I have been doing, which according to them, say that I have done exceptionally well when compared to others.  So this does give me a boost of confidence, but not 100% because that little bit of doubt does creep in. 

I wish I could make it stop, and I'm sure it will someday.  I am getting better and it will take some time.  The "relapse" really came as quite a SHOCK.  I'm not sure if I can go through that again.  Maybe I'm stronger than what I give my self credit for, but I am only human, and can't always remain strong.  I will try my best, because like I said before, I'm stubborn and I want to be in charge.  So I guess I just need to keep saying it over and over again...I'M IN CHARGE....I'M IN CHARGE....I'M IN CHARGE!!! CANCER BACK THE EFF OFF!!!  Hahaha , that actually felt pretty good... just thinking and typing it just made me feel a wee bit better...Hahaha!!!

Well, I guess that's just what I'm going to have to do.  Once I begin to feel that worry or doubt, I need to turn it into anger and fight it!!!  No way is cancer going to take control of me!!!  I will not let you win!!!  I will remain in REMISSION!!!  You picked the wrong girl!!!

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