Saturday, June 25, 2016
The above quote can't be anymore true. Seven years seems so long ago, but the experience still feels like it was yesterday. I can't believe its been seven years since my initial diagnosis.
Is it because of my current circumstances? The ongoing side effects? The continued hair loss? The doctors appointments that still occur every three or four months rather than once a year or once every two years?
It seems that no matter how much I try to move on, it's a constant reminder. I know I need to accept these changes because they are things I cannot change. The chronic GVHD won't go away. My near baldless head won't be a full head of hair again. The weight gain will continue to be an ongoing battle. My breathing may always be winded with coughing episodes here and there.
So even though I know all of these things and try to accept them, something small occurs to trigger my worst fear...relapse.
It happened on vacation. I had a couple bruises appear and a few more the next day. This obviously is out of the norm for me so I became scared because this had happened with my relapse. So I reached out to family and a couple friends to give me the strength and support to not worry and think the worst. They gave me support and prayers which gave me great comfort. I prayed and prayed, cried and cried, and prayed and prayed again. And for those who believe in divine signs, I had them. I had an angel-like image appear in a picture. Some say it was the glare of the sun, but I will believe it was a sign from up above. Also, a quote had appeared in an ad in my newsfeed stating 'everything will be fine because I'm watching over you'. Seeing and reading that gave me more peace. I didnt dwell but enjoyed the rest of vacation, laughing and playing in the ocean waves and sun with my family. It was one of the best vacations ever.
So here I am today feeling overwhelmed by emotions, both content and happy with a little bit of fear. I had blood drawn yesterday and Im waiting for the results. But I truly believe it will all be okay.
No matter what happens, it will all be okay because of the love and support of my family, my friends and the divine ones who are watching over me.
So take this moment to love one another and to treasure every moment you have with each other.
God bless!!! 🕆💗
Friday, June 10, 2016
For those who have Facebook, each day you are able to look at your memories and re-share posts from years ago. This is one of mine and as you can see from my post above, I knew deep down something wasn't right.
I had an ulcer-like sore in my mouth and bleeding gums that I needed to see the dentist for. I remember the bleeding gums being one of the first signs. I would be in the shower each day getting ready for work and all of a sudden I would taste blood. I was always confused wondering why this would happen everytime I took a shower and then the ulcer-like sore appeared.
I remember my sense of taste not being quite right and my hair being lifeless and dull. This was just the beginning. The bruises came next. They were large sometimes as large as a tea cup saucer. Still to this day, a bruise is never a bruise regardless if it's on me or someone else. When I see one, I am instantly reminded of what they meant 7 years ago.
To be honest, I really don't need the Facebook timeline to remind me of the days leading up to my battle. I relive it every year and it doesnt seem to get easier. It's my truth. It's my journey. It's my new normal.