Tuesday, February 23, 2016

I Surrender


This is one of the most difficult entry's I have posted. It's so difficult because it's the blatant and embarassing truth of where I'm at in my life and how this whole experience has affected me. I thought I was alone. I thought I was crazy for feeling the way I do. But social media can have its benefits. I have learned through the many forums I have joined regarding stem-cell transplants that many of us share similar experiences and side effects. And the experiences and side effects I'm referring to are anxiety, depression and even PTSD.

I guess I'm not doing as well as I thought I was. I had my first anxiety/panic attack last week. This occurred at work. As soon as it happened and was over, I was embarassed. I was ashamed. And I felt like I didn't have control .

The situation involved a local news channel wanting to tape a segment about one of the programs the agency offers. My boss was out of town and it was up to me to do this. I instantly became nervous thinking of what I was going to say. Then those nerves led into becoming extremely warm, my heart started beating more rapidly and my chest felt heavy. I was in the room with three other people but I felt like I was so alone and also felt as if the room was closing in on me. And while all of this was happening, I was picturing myself being broadcast on TV. That I would be on display as one of those so-called 'freaks' back in the time when circuses or carnivals would  display them for other people's  viewing pleasure to either gawk at or make fun of. This is how I felt. Once I came out of my attack, I felt shame and embarassment. I felt as though I let me boss down and that I didn't fulfill my duty as a manager. I'm supposed to be a leader and lead by example and have confidence but I failed. I didn't do any of those things. Actually, my boss was on the phone with me and talked me out of the attack. She was very supportive that day and still is which I'm very grateful for.

But since that episode I realized I'm not as well off emotionally as I thought I was. I thought I was becoming more comfortable and coming to terms with my 'new' normal self when really I'm not. I feel as though I'm a freak out walking amongst the normal. I wear a wig to appear more normal but I feel as though people see through the so'called disguise and see the squinty-eyed,  near-hairless, overweight freak underneath.

It has been said that many symptoms of anxiety, depression and PTSD are quite common post Cancer. And that it could be a result of the combination of both the chemo and meds that are used, as well as, the whole experience which results in a lot of stuff.

So now that I've come to terms of my so-called underlying freak status, combined with my self-diagnosed anxiety, depression and PTSD, I realize I need to seek some professionsl intervention.

I don't want to live this way.  I want to finally come to peace with everything I've been through and with who I am now.

Image source: http://thefamilyfirstcoach.com/2013/06/i-surrender/

6 comments:

  1. You are not a freak!
    The feelings you experienced are very real and that "out of control" anxiety is devastating. These feeling can happen for me anytime and are triggered by public speaking, air flights, and traveling in remote locations.
    I have experienced these "panic attacks" for years and did not start because of my AML,chemo,or GVHD.
    I am not a doctor but drugs such as Xanix or Adavan work well for me when I feel an attach coming on. Most if the time, just having these drugs with me, will calm me down and ease my anxiety.
    Hope this helps...hang in there
    Jeff

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  2. You are not a freak!
    The feelings you experienced are very real and that "out of control" anxiety is devastating. These feeling can happen for me anytime and are triggered by public speaking, air flights, and traveling in remote locations.
    I have experienced these "panic attacks" for years and did not start because of my AML,chemo,or GVHD.
    I am not a doctor but drugs such as Xanix or Adavan work well for me when I feel an attach coming on. Most if the time, just having these drugs with me, will calm me down and ease my anxiety.
    Hope this helps...hang in there
    Jeff

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thank you for this post! I really feel like I have PTSD because of my diagnosis of AML and subsequent Allo Bone Marrow Transplant. You said you had Leukemia, which type? I am almost 1 1/2 years post transplant and almost 2 years AML diagnosis. I try to focus on one day at a time, but in my previous life, I was a planner....something you just can't do post transplant! My brother was my donor, and I still worry that I didn't thank him enough. I mean, how can you thank someone for saving your life? He is a very humble person and is embarrassed easily by big public displays...love him! I enjoy reading your blog and just happened upon it today (5/18/16). Thank you for your insights!

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    Replies
    1. ok, i just saw the type of leukemia you had.....funny the things you see when you actually pay attention! :)

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    2. Thank you...best wishes being sent your way

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    3. Thank you...best wishes being sent your way

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