Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Fear Vs Strength

No matter how much I try to remain optimistic, fear always creeps in. I think it’s a result of my past experiences over the last few years. Usually anytime I allow the positive self-pep talks, I end up with some rather upsetting news. And any time I go to a doctor’s appointment thinking it’s just going to be routine, something very unsettling is revealed. Just like last week. I went to a follow-up appointment to receive the results of my CT scan thinking if they find anything they will just switch up my medications and possibly my inhaler. I most certainly was not expecting to be told they found a nodule in my one lung and that my oncologist wanted me to see a Pulmonary Specialist at the Cancer Clinic. Yet again, this really took me by surprise. How many times does this need to happen? Twice now, my world has been rocked by cancer. This can’t happen again. My kids are finally getting back to normal and not speaking or being traumatized by those years we fought and battled cancer. It’s beginning to become our past. The future is beginning to look brighter. Also, I’m working now and I’m enjoying what I am doing. I enjoy work and feel better knowing that I’m contributing financially to my family.

Even now as I’m writing this, I keep telling myself not to worry. Nodules in the lungs are very common and nothing to be too concerned about. And once I begin thinking this way, I stop myself and tell myself to be prepared. Because if I don’t prepare myself then it’s just going to be that much more upsetting. I begin thinking about the 9 months of chemo I received upon the week of ‘lethal’ chemo I was given to prep my body for the stem-cell transplant. I think of the possible damage all of the chemo may have caused to any of my organs and if this current concern could be a result of all that. If this is a result of everything, I didn’t think it would be this soon. I have always thought that any problems would occur much later down the road, years and many years later, like 10 or 20 years. Not this soon. I haven’t even made it to my 5-year mark yet of being cancer-free. I must make this milestone. I haven’t made a milestone yet since my initial diagnosis of cancer (leukemia). My first milestone should have been a year after my first round of treatment and I didn’t even make it a year before I relapsed. I was only a few months away from my year anniversary. And now, here I am, seven months from my 5-year mark and I’m scared that I’m not going to make that milestone.

So here I am again, fluctuating back and forth with how I am feeling. I really am trying to remain positive but those thoughts full of fear keep creeping in. I am hoping and praying that tomorrow I will be posting a ‘follow-up’ post with all good news.

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