Saturday, July 26, 2014
I surprised myself today. I've been carrying a lot of anger and I even admit, hate, for a year now. And I encountered the source of those extreme negative emotions today. I was surprised by my own reaction. I thought that if this encounter ever occurred, whether planned or by accident, I didn't think that I would react as a mature, rational human being. But I did. I even spoke a few words. It felt awkward, strange and uncomfortable but no matter my past negative feelings, I just could not be anything other than smile and be civil.
This 'thing' I will call it has been a constant daily battle. It has been a source of heartache for me and those closest to me. It has even affected my children, to a point where I never really could give an explanation that they could understand, of why things became the way they are now.
I experienced many emotions, from shock, to nervousness, to sadness, and even loss, of what could have been. But never once, did I feel that anger or hate. And that surprised me the most because I have been carrying these feelings for the past year.
So this is a new self-discovery. You can never predict how your going to react to a certain situation. You can process and think about it all you want. You can come up with numerous scenarios in your mind. But you can never truly prepare. You just need to look at the 'good' inside yourself and hold your head high and know you did the right thing. It's an amazing feeling of calm and peacefulness and those toxic feelings have all but been washed away.