I have stumbled and bled and felt so much pain during my rebirth into the woman I am and I've grown and learned and become strong like a tempered blade and not a single part of him is left in my being.
I have become something new and different and I'm still evolving.
I have become something new and different and I'm still evolving.
~Zoe Tipsword
A big portion of me died on November 30, 2010, and while a portion of me died, that portion was "reborn". Its almost seems like a reincarnation.
I came to the discovery at my therapy session a few days ago. My therapist and I were speaking about the transplant process and how similar transplant recipients feel afterwards. I was speaking on how I thought it would be easier if my transplant was something more tangible like an organ rather than blood that touches everything within me. She gave an example of a woman that she counsels who had a heart transplant and how the woman is very grateful for this gift of another's heart, but every time she feels its beat, it feels as though its fully not her own. The woman has said that this heart was meant for that donor. That donor was born to have that heart and when they passed it became her's but it was difficult to grasp that. So, it definitely confirmed that I'm not the only one that feels this way. And that no matter what form of transplant it may be, close to every transplant recipient may feel exactly this way.
So what do we do with this rebirth. I used to get so angry when the doctors, hospital staff, even my family would say that I have a new birthday now. I was like, "No, my birthday is in December...that is my actual birthday...I refuse to accept my stem-cell transplant as my new birthday...that is ridiculous". But now I get it, at least I think I do. It's not so much my new birthday as physically entering the world. That, of course, will always be December 26th. But it's like a spiritual rebirth occurred on November 30th. An internal rebirth. I get it now. I can accept it now. And actually, I'm quite excited by it now. Does it mean I get two birthdays!!! Hahaha...wink wink!!!
Seriously, though, I am excited about this rebirth. Like I've said in other blogs, there are so many possibilities that lie ahead. I'm so excited to see what they are. It's almost like I'm "Alice" from "Alice in Wonderland" and I'm in that long corridor with all those doors and I can have my choice of any of them. If it happens to be one that doesn't fit then I have other choices and discoveries, some may be good and some may be bad. And that's actually okay. Because everything is a lesson in life. We, as human beings, have a reaction to everything. It's up to us to decide how we react to those things.
This self-discovery is so exhilarating and so addicting. It may be very frustrating for my husband and family and even friends, but this is real. This is real emotion, open and raw, that won't change. I'm not going to fight how I'm feeling. I'm just going to let it out there because its the easiest way for me to process this evolution of my self.
So what's next in this evolution of my self-discovery? Who knows? I'm definitely going to blog about this evolution of self-discovery which could happen again tonight, or tomorrow or in a few days. I'm really excited to see where this leads!!! Which door am I going to choose?
Image source: http://nice-cool-pics.com/data/media/22/rebirth__bhikkhu_bodhi_.jpg
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