Sunday, July 17, 2016
Saturday, June 25, 2016
The above quote can't be anymore true. Seven years seems so long ago, but the experience still feels like it was yesterday. I can't believe its been seven years since my initial diagnosis.
Is it because of my current circumstances? The ongoing side effects? The continued hair loss? The doctors appointments that still occur every three or four months rather than once a year or once every two years?
It seems that no matter how much I try to move on, it's a constant reminder. I know I need to accept these changes because they are things I cannot change. The chronic GVHD won't go away. My near baldless head won't be a full head of hair again. The weight gain will continue to be an ongoing battle. My breathing may always be winded with coughing episodes here and there.
So even though I know all of these things and try to accept them, something small occurs to trigger my worst fear...relapse.
It happened on vacation. I had a couple bruises appear and a few more the next day. This obviously is out of the norm for me so I became scared because this had happened with my relapse. So I reached out to family and a couple friends to give me the strength and support to not worry and think the worst. They gave me support and prayers which gave me great comfort. I prayed and prayed, cried and cried, and prayed and prayed again. And for those who believe in divine signs, I had them. I had an angel-like image appear in a picture. Some say it was the glare of the sun, but I will believe it was a sign from up above. Also, a quote had appeared in an ad in my newsfeed stating 'everything will be fine because I'm watching over you'. Seeing and reading that gave me more peace. I didnt dwell but enjoyed the rest of vacation, laughing and playing in the ocean waves and sun with my family. It was one of the best vacations ever.
So here I am today feeling overwhelmed by emotions, both content and happy with a little bit of fear. I had blood drawn yesterday and Im waiting for the results. But I truly believe it will all be okay.
No matter what happens, it will all be okay because of the love and support of my family, my friends and the divine ones who are watching over me.
So take this moment to love one another and to treasure every moment you have with each other.
God bless!!! 🕆💗
Friday, June 10, 2016
For those who have Facebook, each day you are able to look at your memories and re-share posts from years ago. This is one of mine and as you can see from my post above, I knew deep down something wasn't right.
I had an ulcer-like sore in my mouth and bleeding gums that I needed to see the dentist for. I remember the bleeding gums being one of the first signs. I would be in the shower each day getting ready for work and all of a sudden I would taste blood. I was always confused wondering why this would happen everytime I took a shower and then the ulcer-like sore appeared.
I remember my sense of taste not being quite right and my hair being lifeless and dull. This was just the beginning. The bruises came next. They were large sometimes as large as a tea cup saucer. Still to this day, a bruise is never a bruise regardless if it's on me or someone else. When I see one, I am instantly reminded of what they meant 7 years ago.
To be honest, I really don't need the Facebook timeline to remind me of the days leading up to my battle. I relive it every year and it doesnt seem to get easier. It's my truth. It's my journey. It's my new normal.
Sunday, June 5, 2016
Wednesday, May 18, 2016
Tonight I'm having one of those rough nights. I had just got done washing and styling my wig and thats all it took for my mini-breakdown. I miss having actual hair to cut, color and style.
I don't resemble anything close to who I was before my relapse. My hair isnt even growing in anymore. There are times that I question if I would have never began using thr wig, would my hair have grown back?
Why cant I accept this new me? The bald, chunky, squinty eyed new me. I feel so wretched.
I miss the person in the photo. I miss the happy, go-lucky person I was before my relapse. Is she gone? Will she ever come back? Only time will tell.
Friday, April 22, 2016
This is one of my most favorite pictures. It's of my daughter when we were at the beach last year. When I look at this picture I see someone who is celebrating life. Who is celebrating a moment. Who is free, content and happy.
This picture also reflects how I'm feeling at this moment. I am feeling all of those things mentioned above. I am truly blessed. I am grateful for each new day that I am able to wake up on my own and get out of bed and go to work. Even though some days, I want to crawl back in because of the many side-effects from the stem-cell transplant. I keep battling on.
Life is a gift and the people who cross our paths are gifts. I feel so lucky to have so many amazing people in my life. And there are so many more yet to be met.
The journey just keeps getting better. Cancer may have tried to ruin me, but it has done the opposite. It has strengthened me and has helped me appreciate all the good things in life no matter how big or how small.
It's good to be alive. It's good to just 'be'.